Bleeding Our Souls

Are goblins slowly taking over all the jobs in public services?

From the lowly binman to the Prime Minister’s personal assistant, the same question is being asked by every public sector employee.”Is my job at risk from goblins?”Sadly for you humans, and not so sadly for us. The answer is a resounding yes.Since the arrival of the Cameron/Clegg government the public sector has been vulnerable to huge cuts in manpower. However the coalition has also pledged to not let these cuts affect services.There is surely no way to provide the same services AND axe over 800,000 jobs?Well there is one way, but it requires the help of the UGA (United Goblin Association) and a fair amount of government cover up.Goblins will work for extremely little, eating nothing but sand and live goats, working 24 hours a day and do any work no matter how dirty or degrading.As such in many cities and boroughs across the country there have already been pilot schemes where goblins have been doing such menial labour as street sweeping, rubbish collection and a variety of roles in the NHS.However they have left tell tale signs that they are doing these jobs.


Many people, upon first hearing that Goblins were going to replace medical personnel in the NHS were so aghast that they vomited up whole lungs. However it isn’t actually that ground breaking a change to the way the current NHS is run. Since its inception goblins have been posing as doctors and nurses in the NHS for reasons that nobody can really fathom, and since the turn of the millenium the number has rocketed. Cameron’s plans would really only be legitimising something that is already going on in the National Health Service.


Source ; Financial times NGO audit 2010
what follows are some FAQs about goblins to calm your nervous nerves.
Should I be afraid?
Of course not, other than being the minions of lucifer and eating raw sand goblins are much like you and me. Like you or I they experience happiness, sadness, lust and a special goblin emotion called “Tygruzt” which is a little bit like being sea sick. but with rage.They will work hard and long and keep to their own communities in natural limestone caves but their culture is rich and ancient and soon enough there will undoubtedly be some form of cross culture festival to welcome them. You’ll fear them no more than you fear any other ethnicity.
What do goblins eat?Sand and live goats. I’ve already covered this.
So they won’t try to eat me?not unless you are made of sand like the bad guy out of Spiderman 3 or a live goat like that live goat in Jurassic Park.
Do goblins speak english?Barely. Some speak a bit and these are usually the ones in charge. Most of them speak goblin.Goblin sounds like hungarian being spoken backwards underwater and most of the syllables are unpronounceable by human tongues. Goblins have no written language.
Can we trust them? do they commit crime?We can trust them as far as doing the jobs they are being paid to do. Other than that they are fairly amoral and will be likely to commit a variety of mischief in the local area they are employed. As such they will always be chaperoned by a detachment of goblin guards. (these are men who guard the goblins not goblins who are guards)They will be armed with guns that shoot little bits of metal called bullets that will kill the goblins if they break any human rules.
Oh Jesus are they violent? Will I be safe to walk the streets at night?Nah they’re honestly pretty chilled out little guys, they are more naughty than dangerous. more likely to draw a goblin penis on your wall than massacre your family. You are unlikely to meet them at night because they’ll have been shepherded into their caves post-shift.
I am allergic to goblins, what shall I do?You aren’t allergic to goblins. How could you possibly know if you were allergic to goblins.

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 2.

In the last post we touched upon what essentials were metal and which needed to be baptised before you could have them in your larder. Essential items such as an egg wearing sunglasses, cubed ice and a pizza cutter.In this post we will be looking at luxuries.We don’t have the cash money to buy many of these luxuries so went to view them in the environment they are most comfortable in. The Hypermarche floor.What follows is a list of the luxuries you are most likely to want to buy and our opinions on whether the discerning Satanist should be buying them. and in what quantities.
Loads of dead fish.

As Rudyard Kipling famously said on his death bed “I wish I had loads of dead fish.” A sentiment we can all empathise with. Who amongst us hasn’t wanted a load of dead fish at some point or another? Well you can feel safe in the knowledge that owning a load of dead fish is quite metal. Turning one dead fish into loads of dead fish was one of the only things Jesus did in his short life that was metal. That and being covered in blood at the end.

Profiteroles.

 Profiteroles aren’t metal. They’re blasphemy. But blasphemy to the devil. So. Christians would probably consider them the opposite of blasphemy. whatever that is. A prayer I suppose.
Profiteroles are a prayer.Madonna knew this.Thats why she once pretended to be some profiteroles when she sang ‘just like a prayer, I’ll take you there’And by ‘there’ she was probably referring to church.Fuck profiteroles.

Cakes.

You know when something is so over the top that it goes from funny to not funny and then back to funny again?Well that is kind of the case here but with cakes and being unholy.What you have on the right is a cake that hasn’t tried hard enough and is just saddening.On the left is a cake that is so fruity that it has gone right through the spectrum of fruitiness and back to being metal.
(all cakes start life as being metal and then have fancy designs iced over them - proof)

Booze.

Red wine is a luxury that all the other Satanists in your neighbourhood will be jealous that you can afford. It is metal for an abundance of reasons that I won’t go into.Okay, no, I will.A - Looks like blood if you squint.B - As such the consequences of you drinking loads of it are well metal. ProofC - The Romans invented it. And they worshiped men with beards who lived on mountains.

WKDs are effectively the opposite of red wine.They taste like sparkles and deliciousness.They were invented by the Thatcher government to keep the proletariat entertained and in turn break miners strikes back in the 80s. Of course it worked and now ex miners and children of miners up and down the country drink them every friday and saturday night in bizarre courting rituals.

Dark bloody rum. Its in the name. dark. rum. it’s already metal, and we’ve only addressed the name. We haven’t touched upon the fact that it is the chosen tipple of pirates, Satanists of the high seas. We haven’t touched upon the fact that is made with tears, alcohol, liquid crime and dragon’s blood. We haven’t touched upon the fact that Gavrilo Principe was fucked up on dark rum when he shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand and started the First World War. We haven’t touched upon the fact that in 1992 archaeologists in Norway discovered a viking burial mound holding thousands of bodies, each of whom was holding a bottle of Dark Rum. (or in Norwegian - mørkrom) And we haven’t touched upon the fact that almost all of the famous Satanic drinking games involved dark rum; Rum island, Rumkin’s Drop, Rumble in the Jungle, the drums of war, Girls just wanna have rum and ‘don’t be alarumed’.But theres no time to touch upon any of these facts.
As we are about to be kicked out of the supermarket. 

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 1.

It is a tough time for the discerning consumer in the current economic climate, and an even tougher time for the discerning Satanic consumer.
Questions regarding what is and is not acceptable to purchase at one’s local hypermarche constantly whorl around the typical Satanist’s mind, mixing with dark incantations and what to sacrifice this evening. We are here to answer some of those questions and make life that little bit easier for you, O unholy one.
We will start in this first of parts by going through what we have in stock in the bleedingoursouls mansion. Some produce is vital to a delicious dinner but embarrassing to buy and unacceptable to own. As such aforementioned produce must be baptised before it can be stored, or risk converting some of your Satanic perishables to followers of the word of the Lord God in the Highest.
Other consumables are so Satanic they actually must be constantly owned or you risk being excommunicated from the Satanic Order of unpleasant darken bastards.
We will only tell you detail about items falling into these two groups, any more would take all day and we don’t have the time. We’re doing you a favour here, remember. Don’t get needy.

Basically if it’s not mentioned here it is alright to buy and not baptise.

Pre-bagged Ice Cubes.

Lots of people don’t buy ice cubes. Thats because a lot of people are not Satanists. Or are rubbish Satanists. Ice made in your fridge is not nearly as earth damaging as this ice. Shipped all the way from the Russian Federation, where is it hand sculpted by Siberian slave children as they are whipped by their cruel ice masters. As such each cube is coated with the tears of an innocent. Actually not each cube, but at least one in three. Also due to the long distance this ice has travelled its carbon footprint is huge. Carbon footprints are metal.

Milk.

Milk is purest white, the least satanic colour imaginable. However it is also a vital ingredient in a number of delicious satanic treats, and thus unavoidable. Once you have gotten home from the shops place it immediately on your inverted cross and recite whatever local incantations you know to be most effective in your region. If you forget to baptise the milk then the next time you open your fridge you will have a fucking gospel choir staring back at you. Milk infects all it touches with the light of the lord.

An Egg.

An egg is another unfortunate side effect of our addiction to delicious Satanic treats. It is a must in most recipes from Bat Pie to Child Face Cake (which is not a cake that looks like a child’s face, but rather one made from the faces of children). However it is also the symbol of rebirth and very linked to christian culture. That is what all that chocolate egg business at Easter is about.Jonathan Eggsworth here will also have to be baptised before being placed in your kitchen.

Marmite Extra Old.

The next logical step in the creation of a delicious Satanic spread was to let it gestate and for the evil that hides within it to become wiser and more malignant. We all know that normal Marmite is made from sand, oil and the ashes from those burnt in mass graves after the war atrocities in Marmyte, Serbia during the second world war.Marmite extra old was bottled when the ashes were still deep, and the ghosts of those decapitated with gunfire still angry. Nowadays a pot of Marmite has very little black magic in it.Therefore this is a vital cupboard filler in any good satanic home.However it is still only the second most Satanic spread for your toast…

Black Boot Polish.

Delicious and nutritious with a blend of over 30 Herbs and spices mixed within the congealed blood of horses and dogs, this is the ultimate spread.It is little known that the name ‘Kiwi Black Boot Polish’, whilst seemingly nonsensical, actually refers to it’s original usage in the 19th century when it was rubbed into the leather of boots to bring out a shine instead of being spread on bread.How times have changed.

Some fruity pizza cutter.

This is not really a perishable but if you do buy any cutlery/crockery/anything that is this chirpy and camp baptise it immediately. Don’t take any risks.

Quaker Oats.

Fuck Quaker oats, man. They are a conspiracy by a bunch of fat joyless Christians to make sure you have a shit time at breakfast. Unfortunately they can be used in ‘Krakow Oat Bastards’ which are delicious. If you must buy these then ensure they are good and baptised. We look down upon you for effectively giving money to the church though.

An Egg wearing sunglasses.

One of the only times we have not immediately baptised an egg was when we opened a box of 24 iceland battery eggs to find one of them wearing sunglasses. He was smooth, sophisticated and a lover of the arts. If you ever come across an egg with the charm and effortless style of this egg then immediately purchase him and place him upon the mantelpiece.

Assorted Greenery.

Scurvy is a disease that we associate with pirates. Pirates are fairly metal and thus by association is scurvy. Yet scurvy is an extremely unpleasant affliction to actually endure and leads to your teeth falling out and you growing wooden legs where your normal blood filled ones used to be. As such not eating your greens is a big career decision. One the one hand, yes you will be more intimidating to the christian passer by, on the other hand your chances of plumbing any satanic babes is reduced. If you’re going to take the second option and eat greens, ensure they are baptised beforehand.

Worcestershire Sauce

In the early days of the British Empire, when goodwill was thin on the ground and racism was rife, it was considered proper form to pickle the body parts of executed criminals of colour. The infamous Duke of Worcestershire who presided over huge swathes of recently colonised India was of the opinion that because the new British subjects ate such a spice ridden diet, that the excess pickle juice of ex-criminal’s legs/arms/faces would probably be delicious. Of course, he was right, and to this day his culinary breakthrough is a best seller across the globe amongst communities of black metallers and cannibals.

Ricicles

Derivations of this cereal have been eaten for centuries in the royal courts of eastern europe and the central asian steppes. It was considered a powerful aphrodisiac and thought to relieve the mental stress brought on by watching thousands of your own people starve to death during bad harvests. As such, you would think there no need to baptise this. Unfortunately in the process of being transported to the west and marketed here the packaging changed from THIS to the Tots TV bullshit you see adorning the box today. However when you baptise Ricicles their rich odious history is awakened and a transformation takes place…

Evil Ricicles

They have started wearing sunglasses.Also a petrine cross and the number of the beast has miraculously been burnt into the otherwise unacceptably welcoming design.This will now take pride of place in the larder.
In part 2 we enter an Establishment of Groce, to establish what groceries in which section are most established.

New Year. New Cross.

In celebration of the coming of 2011/because our old cross had gotten a woodworm infestation, we created a new cross.Cut from the most powerful trees we could find, with axes and saws cursed by a medley of different evil witches and wizards and bolted together with nails said to be possessed by the ghosts of those slain in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989 it outshone our previous cross before we had even put the finishing touches on it.Our previous cross was made with normal wood, saws and nails on a patio.

Proof.

To seal in the evil of our malevolent creation we bought “Davidson’s X-tra Black Spray Paint - for when black just isn’t black enough”. You have to order it online here and it takes 3 weeks to get delivered because it has to come all the way from Malta where they make it with secret Maltese ingredients that only the Maltese know about. Look out for a post in the near future when we invade Malta, kidnap their elders and torture them for information on how they create this Purest of Blacks. Davidson isn’t a very Maltese name.
We painted it next to a normal black door just so you could soak in just how blacker than black it is.

Then held it up against your bog standard British road so that the colour difference could be appreciated. Look and appreciate.

In a strange turn of events the local council got wind of what we were up to and decided to try and get in our good books by naming a variety of local amenities after our new cross. They hadn’t even asked us what we were naming our new cross. They just (stupidly and unimaginatively) assumed that it would be called ‘New Cross’. Not even nearly an evil enough name. After much deliberation we decided to call him ‘Talavi Borgorth the Third’.So another botched attempt by the council to appease Satan, however we thought we may as well at least record their renaming misadventures. It must’ve cost them a fair bit.

They named this local station after our new cross. We can only imagine that it has lead to a travel nightmare for everybody. The station used to be called ‘London Bridge’ which was a far more sensible name, considering it was next to London Bridge. Naming it after something that took two half drunk twenty somethings about 10 minutes to do on a Wednesday afternoon was a really stupid move. We have to believe that somebody lost their job for it.

The council also forced some local businesses to change their names, this shop wasn’t even a pharmacy, it used to be aModelzone. Yet more confusion conflicted on the poor people of London by a council hell bent on being mental.
But yeah we’ve got a new cross and its awesome.

Sister Facts

The films ‘Sister Act’ and ‘Sister Act 2; Sweet Jesus they’re at it again’ are two powerful films indeed. Powerful in that they could, if shown to the right people, turn a body of effectively useless old women into a pro-active force for battling evil through singing and skateboarding.

as this photograph proves.

To understand fully the true threat that the films pose to our beloved movement for the glorification of the Antichrist and his majestic perverse works of darkness you will need a quick summary of both.
Sister ActWhoopi Goldberg, playing herself, is required to join a nunnery as a form of community service after she is caught stealing loaves of bread from the local bazaar. At first she is the opposite of stoked about the whole affair thinking that Nuns are rubbish and old and that old and rubbish people are boring. She has to do all the boring chores in the Nunnery like polishing the bibles and making the ‘NunGruel’ a special meal only Nuns eat, the ingredients of which are only hinted at in the film but its safe to assume there is only milk and radish in it or something. Not blood and souls like the delicious ‘SatanGruel’ we eat every morning.Long and tedious story short, though, Whoopi eventually grows to love the Nuns even though they are backwards and racist. She teaches them, through a series of week long intensive workshops and seminars how to sing Satan battling songs, where to find Satanists (usually caves) and how to win against them in skateboarding competitions.

It honestly gets pretty watchable.

The climax of the film shows the Nunnery enter the local skate comp against the rawest set of early 90s punk Satanist teens in the whole of… Detroit. Or wherever it is set.
The Nuns win by putting off the evil teens by singing songs about Jesus at them whilst they are trying to do eggplants and the like. This is technically cheating but the message you’re suppose to go away with is that the nuns were in the right and saved the day and that Whoopi Goldberg is a free thinking spirit not a bread stealing thief troll.
Sister Act 2: Good Lord, what now?
Taking infamously little at the box office and almost crippling the studios that pumped one and a quarter billion dollars into this awkward sequel, Sister Act 2: Bedtime Already? was a flop for many reasons. Having the whole film set in Germany and spoken in German was certainly one of the biggest reasons it failed in America, making out that all Germans were Satanists because Hitler put a hex upon the country just before he died was one of the biggest reasons it failed in Germany.In Sister Act 2: Alert the Fire Steward! Whoopi and the gang are called by the EU to deal with Germany. The entire country’s economy is going down the pan because all they are doing is rocking out to Satanic accordion Ballads and not doing any work, and there’s only one gang of Skateboarding Nuns who can stop them.

the scenes of Bavaria moshing are some of the best ever to grace the silver screen.

The film follows a tried and tested American sports film formula, where the Nuns try and beat the Germans at skateboarding whilst singing but are embarrassingly defeated. then there is a training montage where they realise that skateboarding just isn’t going to cut it and they have to learn to mosh even though it is a dark art, but Whoopi convinces the nuns that they can mosh for Jesus and eventually they defeat each individual German state until there is the final showdown with Bavaria. Obviously the Nuns win and the hex upon Germany is removed. The Germans wake up from their infernal possession and get back to work with twice the efficiency they normally work at.
One of the major problems with Sister Act 2: By the Beard of Allah is its length though, at 3 and a half hours this frank and compelling tale is just too drawn out. Yet even then in the right hands could mobilise the clergy into moshing against us. Something we are not willing to risk.
As such when we got wind of a new musical version of these rabidly anti-satanic tales hitting the west end we decided to hold a silent vigil outside it.and then a noisy vigil inside it. eating crisps louding and rustling bags of minstrels etc. ruining anybody’s chance of a good time. Unfortunately we forgot our ear plugs and the accursed music of Jesus Christ in heaven forced its way into our minds and hearts and we ended up moshing and skateboarding in the aisles and had a good time.thus we went back to the silent vigil outside.

No word yet from the Vatican on how seriously they’ve taken our protests, or even if they’ve noticed them at all.
If you are keen on watching these movies yourself then by all means buy them on VHS here, or DVD here.

Thanks for listening.

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.which year is more DETHMETL?666ad or 1666ad?we’ve had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we’ve finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we wouldn’t give a shit about what you want or think.

First off we’ll give a quick low down on the DETHMETL things that happened in both years.

666
Chertsey, the least dethmetl of all the English abbeys was founded.

however from these budget drawings that is hard to believe, it looks hardcore

To neutralise this, barking abbey the MOST dethmetl of all the English abbeys was also founded.

Barking, embarrassing Chertsey since 666

Together they lead the battle of dark and light for over one thousand years. It was the equivalent of Gandalf and Saruman setting up their own schools of witchcraft and wizardry to battle one another.In other 666 news (good lord I am a fan of this year) the Chinese invented once of the most complicated chariots in the history of ever. Apparently it could only go south, and as such was aptly named the South Pointing Chariot. But please, don’t take my word for it, take wikipedia’s.

1666
In 1666 a undeniable torrent of goffick ting happened.Mainly fire.Two massive fires grab thine attention.
1 - The Great Bloody Fire of Entire Bloody London.Satan started a fire in London because the city had gotten too big for its boots.

London, getting out of hand.

London’s reaction to the events was sub par and the fire lasted for 3 days. 3 days longer than your average properly managed fire lasts. Samuel Pepys is widely considered to be the most veritable and respectable source regarding the fire and his reaction was to hide his cheese in the garden, showing just how embarrassingly useless Londoners were in 1666.

One look at their ridiculous fire engines tells you everything you need to know.
If anything Beelzebub did them a favour as it cured all cockneys of their rubbish fire management skills and since then London has been relatively fire free.
2 - The Fire That Burns Down an Entire Swedish City You’ve Never Heard of Because it Burnt Down.
In 1666, much as it is now, it was boring to be some smoking hot satanic babe in Northern Sweden. As such, Demelza Phantasm (real name Lina Lindgren) started a badman fire in her neighbours house to pass the time and appease the Dark Lord’s lust for all things fiery.

Carlsberg don’t make 17th century Satanic She-bastards but if they did, Demelza Phantasm would be running the bloody factory that churned them out.
The fire took hold in such a way that the entire town burnt down, but unfortunately not the church, because Lord Jesus protected it with his holy wind and snow power. A power that Demelza and the rest of her BLAKMETL gang could only wince at. The town was called Pitea, and unfortunately still exists. Google it.

Verdict

It is very difficult to decide upon which year is more Satanic, on one hand the year 666 is literally the year 666 and if one were to be born in any year that would be the most desirable. Just imagine going up to some bird and being all like ‘Yo… so… I was born in the year 666.’ then throwing the horns at her.Her only practical reaction would be to orgasm so hard she passed out.Either that or die.You would be a constant menace to vaginas everywhere.
On the other hand though not a great deal happened in 666, whereas 1666 was effectively a year where everything spent its entire time on fire. Something we all have a lot of time for.As such we have to award the prize for most Satanic year to 1666, fiery and majestic as it was, and give the silver medal (which is black because we’re Satanists not athletes. the gold and bronze medals are also black it gets confusing) to the year 666 a worthy year full of strange and useless Chinese inventions and battling abbeys.MERRY BLEEDING CHRISTMAS

…and remember kids. Santa is an anagram of Satan.

718th Annual Gathering of Corpse Grinders

Corpse Grinding is an art all Satanists and black wizards have to become fairly skilled at if they want to make it in Dollywood (dark hollywood). Corpse dust is a powerful antioxidant, full of vitamin c and also full of black magical properties that make it the base for most evil potions. However the methods to get the best dust are known by only a select few, who gather once a year, get drunk and gloat about how only they know it.This year the Bleeding Our Souls wing of the group held the gathering and what follows is visual evidence of what happened, who was there and who we killed.

Carter DeChilde

This powerful hell mage is Carter DeChilde, He is wanted in 118 countries for Submarape, which is of course the dark art of raping people under water. He has never eaten in his life, instead he gains energy from consuming vast amounts of cheap cider in a ritual many call ‘seeing it off’see below for details.

The Bromide Contingent

So named because of the vats of liquid bromide they sleep in every night, this gang of inter-dimensional beings know secrets of the future that they use to their advantage in betting shops across the world. Their legendary status as corpse grinders precede them and it is widely suspected that they are responsible for the mysterious disappearance of thousands of cadavers from funeral homes across south east london and beyond.

???

Not one of these Nuns of Satan spoke a word of English. All we know is that they kill swans for a living.
Goran and Mischka

A pair of unidentical twins from the swampy deltas of the river Ob in the Ukraine, they are thought to be over 1000 years old and responsible for numerous atrocities across eastern europe, both holding high positions in the Nazi party during the occupation of the Ukraine in the 1940s. it is very likely that they were responsible for the systematic destruction of ancient churches across the area. Other than that a bloody nice couple.

Tarkor the Composer

In charge of taking the minutes of any official meetings held by the group, also the treasurer and head of external communications. Also claimed responsibilty for numerous terror attacks during the 1970s and early 80s including the assassination of President Sadat of Egypt in 1981. However due to him being only one white english male with no prior connections to Egypt, everybody assumed he was lying. He wasn’t.

Kharleel

Kharleel hungers. The only thing that can sate this hunger is the hopes and dreams of the young. As such Kharleel works at the offices of the Student Loans Company.
Belinda of the Darken Nine

The darken nine is a coven of witches feared across central Europe in the 1600s for their prolific child snatching & eating activities, since relocated to rural china where they can work in peace. Belinda is their leader and commands the most powerful magical abilities. She brought this to the gathering as an hors d’oeuvre, it was delicious.

Bingle

Bingle isn’t a wizard, he’s a fresher. He thought the Dark Gathering was a house party. He still does to this day. Nobody is sure how he got in. Fortunately he didn’t learn any of our secrets.

Some people have definitely been left out, and for this I apologise. Tarkor recorded over 1,800 attendees, most of whom can be seen in the following group shots.

Then we went on a pilgramage to the local cemetary where we ground up some fucking corpses bro. Obviously we can’t show you the actual corpse grinding, but we can show you the journey there.

We passed the OurSoulsMobile on the way, more about this Vehicle of the Damned to come in a post soon.

The Witches and one of the Bromide boys celebrate the ritualistic murder of a schoolgirl they passed and show us her oyster card.

The body is dumped in a local ditch, where it is urinated upon, standard practice.

 A local phonebox was set upon, it was magically rewired so that it could only phone those you least wanted to speak to. And if you called the speaking clock it would now give you the wrong time. bwhaha.

We coaxed these street pastors into our midst with tales of love long lost and sea shanties about our time in the navy, once encircled in the group they were disembowelled, decapitated and devoured. A snack on the go.

The journey was long, and some of our number were so fatigued they collapsed at the front gates of the church, a dangerous place for people as soulless as we. For the front of a church has the ability to deceive and persuade folk to the side of light. Fortunately as a group we were too hardcoregothmetal to be converted.

we shimmied round the back and started work on digging up and grinding up, many a fantastic potion of malice was created that dark winter’s night. maybe we will show you their consequences sometime soon.maybe not.we don’t answer to you.you’re not our mums.

the 32nd of October

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once” - Albert Einstein

What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as ‘time’, ‘everything’, ‘that’ etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to convey with this statement. Of course once you do the bigger picture becomes clear - Once a month Satan possesses everybody for an entire day and makes them do wacky shit for his own twisted satisfaction and then mind wipes everybody after it so they don’t remember and as such never know the day even existed.cheers einstein, you truly are a bastion of knowledge. helpful and otherwise.
If you are a normal person and not a dark wizard of time, space and questionable morals like we are then no doubt this concept has you rather confused, possibly in tears. I’ll explain it in more detail. The last day of every month is not what you think it is, in fact each month has one extra day that you don’t remember, where you have been waltzing about like a pansy. However because nobody else remembers it, and everybody has been brainwashed into thinking that there are only 365 days in a year instead of the actual 377, you don’t question why your legs are so mysteriously tired.
People have in fact been cottoning onto this to a degree throughout history and trying to fight satan’s powers with various schemes to break the brainwashing, however he has just brainwashed them twice as hard the next month and they’ve forgotten about it, but little tell tale signs have remained. For example in October of 1778 John Halloween invented ‘Halloween’ on the last (remembered) day of October as a big spiritual get together where you’d dress up as somebody else so that maybe Satan would get confused and not possess and brainwash you the next day. Unfortunately this plan was shit and it didn’t work. But everybody liked the dressing up part so that stayed, yet to this day nobody can remember the origins of why exactly they do it, probably because they are so regularly brainwashed/they don’t care.
Another tell tale sign is ‘a pinch and a punch for the first of the month’ which was originally used to get people to snap out of the possession that they had suffered the day before. Nobody knows when it was invented but I am going to guess and say 1305. It is now just used by dicks who like physical violence and showing off about how they know what the date is.
AAAAAAANYWAY. We took to the streets this October the 23rd to see what you pricks were up to whilst under brain possession from Satan this month, and also to baptise you, not that you needed it. However this is the only reaction we know when presented by ‘stuff’ and its cousin, ‘ting’. Oh yes, obviously we are not possessed at the end of each month because to be honest we do better work for Satan unpossessed. He possessed us a couple of times and we ended up doing less ridiculous things than we normally do.Also I forgot to mention that all his monthly possession fests are themed, last month’s was ‘manchester united and metallic paint’, this months is due to be ‘canoe accidents and crime statistics’. He’s an eccentric chap is our Satan.Lets take a look at what you guys were up to then shall we?

This five star geezer had gone all out on the metallic paint front and was humming ‘glory glory man united’ as loudly as he could. Which was honestly suprisingly loudly. Everybody else you can see in these pictures were joining in and walking slowly in circles around anybody who had made an effort to keep to the theme, staring off into the middle distance, in some variety of trance. It was disconcerting. Fucking disconcerting. We were completely disconcerted.

This was actually a real Knight. He was also humming glory glory man united.

Further along the banks of the river Medway we found these gentlemen, keeping it street with some satanic breakdancing to an electro remix of glory glory man united.

This local panda had completely failed, neither being in metallic garb nor attempting to praise the apparent glory of manchester united football club. Instead a warped version of PJ and Duncan’s classic ‘lets get ready to rumble’ could be heard from within the suit, however all the words had been replaced with anguished screams.

This group of nine year old girls were playing glory glory man united on the violin and doing a damn good job too, they were baptised and afterwards went on to do a slightly better job.
You may be wondering why Manchester United were chosen this month. well it is because they are Satan’s favourite football club. They have been since Satan was 10 years old and collected football stickers and picked a club to support completely arbitrarily. However since then has become a stalwart fan and has even arranged for a recent photograph of himself to be used as the club emblem.

That’s him alright
Now you know this information you can spend the remainder of November pointlessly trying to avoid being possessed on the 31st, however you’ll only fail miserably and be brainwashed into not even remembering you read this article. The next time you’ll see the end of a month is the 29th of February 2012, because Satan gives everybody a little break once every four years. It’s called a leap year, which is of course an anagram of ‘Real Apey’. Which is what Satan fears we’d all get if we didn’t have the time off.
I say we. I mean you.

Fuck the White Cross

Commissioned a piece of our own chalk handiwork to be carved into the side of a kentish hill the other day. A big upside down cross. Classic. only cost £350 too, bargain.

However we went to check on it the other week and the builder/hill carvers had only gone and put it up the wrong way. What use is a normal way up cross to us? None, that’s what.
So we called up “Cowboy Trap” presented by Clive Holland and he said he was on it. He’s going to make sure they get whats coming to them; PUBLIC HUMILIATION ON DAYTIME TV.
Anyhow, we had a little swear at the cross.
This robust 24 carat geezer took the photo.

London; An etymological history lesson.

London is of course an acronym for ‘Live, Oh Night! Dark Odious Night!” which is the final line of J. W. Cheapeswick’s epic satanic poem “Cruelty & Pantomime: The Dark One’s Thirst Revived”.
The citizens of London voted en masse to have this acronym installed as their humble town’s name in 1832 during a rather nasty cholera outbreak that ravaged the city. They had spent ages praying to god and changing the town’s name to things like “Ofwaih” which of course stands for “our father who art in heaven” but, A - It didn’t stop anything cholera related and B - It sounded mildly african, which upset the abounding number of racists that filled early 19th century London.

Anyway the change of name to ‘London’ saw a radical reversal in the towns fortunes, cholera was completely wiped out the moment the name changed and the state of the art sewerage system to honour the town’s change of name was built. Say what you like about Satan but he gets shit done when pressed.
All of this of course means that the capital, or ‘Terrorcroft’ as it was named before all this cholera business (true story, google it), is the perfect arena for Gothic themed Satanic mischief.
To prove it (or if you want to be pedantic ‘not prove anything whatsoever’) here are some photos of London being the perfect arena for what we have previously claimed.