March 2011
2 posts
Are goblins slowly taking over all the jobs in...
From the lowly binman to the Prime Minister’s personal assistant, the same question is being asked by every public sector employee.”Is my job at risk from goblins?”Sadly for you humans, and not so sadly for us. The answer is a resounding yes.Since the arrival of the Cameron/Clegg government the public sector has been vulnerable to huge cuts in manpower. However the coalition has...
Groceries that are metal and groceries that are...
In the last post we touched upon what essentials were metal and which needed to be baptised before you could have them in your larder. Essential items such as an egg wearing sunglasses, cubed ice and a pizza cutter.In this post we will be looking at luxuries.We don’t have the cash money to buy many of these luxuries so went to view them in the environment they are most comfortable in. The...
January 2011
4 posts
Groceries that are metal and groceries that are...
It is a tough time for the discerning consumer in the current economic climate, and an even tougher time for the discerning Satanic consumer. Questions regarding what is and is not acceptable to purchase at one’s local hypermarche constantly whorl around the typical Satanist’s mind, mixing with dark incantations and what to sacrifice this evening. We are here to answer some of those...
New Year. New Cross.
In celebration of the coming of 2011/because our old cross had gotten a woodworm infestation, we created a new cross.Cut from the most powerful trees we could find, with axes and saws cursed by a medley of different evil witches and wizards and bolted together with nails said to be possessed by the ghosts of those slain in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989 it outshone our previous cross before...
Sister Facts
The films ‘Sister Act’ and ‘Sister Act 2; Sweet Jesus they’re at it again’ are two powerful films indeed. Powerful in that they could, if shown to the right people, turn a body of effectively useless old women into a pro-active force for battling evil through singing and skateboarding.
as this photograph proves.
To understand fully the true threat that the films...
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.which year is more DETHMETL?666ad or 1666ad?we’ve had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we’ve finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we...
December 2010
1 post
718th Annual Gathering of Corpse Grinders
Corpse Grinding is an art all Satanists and black wizards have to become fairly skilled at if they want to make it in Dollywood (dark hollywood). Corpse dust is a powerful antioxidant, full of vitamin c and also full of black magical properties that make it the base for most evil potions. However the methods to get the best dust are known by only a select few, who gather once a year, get drunk and...
November 2010
2 posts
the 32nd of October
“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once” - Albert Einstein What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as ‘time’, ‘everything’, ‘that’ etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to...
Fuck the White Cross
Commissioned a piece of our own chalk handiwork to be carved into the side of a kentish hill the other day. A big upside down cross. Classic. only cost £350 too, bargain. However we went to check on it the other week and the builder/hill carvers had only gone and put it up the wrong way. What use is a normal way up cross to us? None, that’s what. So we called up “Cowboy Trap”...
October 2010
2 posts
London; An etymological history lesson.
London is of course an acronym for ‘Live, Oh Night! Dark Odious Night!” which is the final line of J. W. Cheapeswick’s epic satanic poem “Cruelty & Pantomime: The Dark One’s Thirst Revived”. The citizens of London voted en masse to have this acronym installed as their humble town’s name in 1832 during a rather nasty cholera outbreak that ravaged the...
Baptising the Homeless.
Much like those intrepid missionaries of the 1800s going deep into the jungles of Africa to spread the word of god we have been on quite the journey, deep into the heart of the concrete jungle that is London to spread the dark word. that word is SATAN or DETHMETL. Or possibly GOFF. Not sure yet. We spread a few words anyway.
We had to baptise the homeless and other such street debris as they were...
September 2010
29 posts
Wye are you doing this to me?
So the other day we went to Wye to baptise a crown cut into the living rock.There is an 80% chance you don’t know where Wye is, its in Kent, as are many places.In the 1930s some fucknuts decided to carve a crown into a hill to celebrate the fact that they were bum chumps. Or something.We took an aversion to this 80 years down the line and decided to baptise it for Satan.An activity we are...
Reading Our Souls
Somebody went to Reading Festival of Music and Beer and stuck up loads of stickers promoting our wealth of genius. It wasn’t us. However we got our top Satanic Scientists on the job of translation (that is us). Here is what they came up with;
“Shit yourself. Then boast about it” Our boffins down at the lab have thought long and hard about the underlying message of this...
Transitional Structural Management Period (of...
Recently many of our dark and elusive number (aka all 3 of us) have taken on tasks above and beyond the call of duty. We won’t go into what these tasks are, namely because they are so wretched and sadistic we’ll get banned from the internet by the CIA and Interpol and BBC1.
However these tasks have been undertaken, and as such the blog (or Eternal Digital Chapters of Many Desecrations...
Saving Private Shar' Muel
As many of you have written to us in your own blood recently clamouring for an explanation to why Shar’muel Fihnn has returned after such a long absence we decided that we would tell you the tale of his loss, absence and subsequent return. The Bloody Loss
One day he just wasn’t there, he left a note saying that he thought he could do better Satanic things alone. A sort of evil one man...
There may be trouble ahead...
You guys; Why may there be trouble ahead, well respected Denizens of Lucifer and his infernal armies? Tell us you have not baptised all roads in his dark name and caused them to cease being traversable by our mortal automobiles? Us; That’s precisely what we’ve done, fuckshirts. Find your pipe, stick this in it and puff away.
‘Good luck getting to Reading, gaylords.’...
Politically Correct Sacrifice.
“PRAISE SATAN, SACRIFICE BITCHES, PRAISE SATAN, SACRIFICE BITCHES, SACRIFICE BITCHES FOR SATAN YO. and smoke crack”excerpt from a notorious BIG song that you haven’t heard but does exist. Whilst we agree with Mr Smalls when he puts forth his argument for worshipping Lucifer, we are in two minds about the latter half of his advice. And we certainly don’t agree with the...
Bleeding Castles
Does that really work as a pun? Not quite. But if you try pronouncing castles like a Kentish oik would, a la ‘Caar Sowles’ then it does. So pronounce it in your head like that to make the pun work please. Anyhow, much pent up evil and aggression rests in castles, ask any feng shui expert. A building designed to protect rich people from the poor stores negative energy in ways the...
"But don't pray with me, 'cos you're prayin' with...
Unlike other deities who do sort of what they like, when they like in regards to answering prayers, our focus of worship not only makes everything we ask of him come true, but ensures that it is a huge exaggeration of what we wanted. Often taking it way out of hand.
This was true recently when we prayed for a fire, because the woods we are living in had gotten chilly. We had built a bonfire...
I hate myself and want to fry.
You may have heard the term ‘Deviled Eggs’ and thought “I wonder what that means, I wonder if its some sort of egg based dish that is fully endorsed by Satan and created by his minions.” Well you were correct to wonder and when you wondered you wondered correctly. Whilst ‘Deviled Eggs’ are indeed a Satanic but easy dish created as a breakfast snack by ...
Birding Our Souls.
Birds. We all know ‘em, we all hate ‘em. They get up in your grill, chat shit and are generally bad for the environment. probably. We found some in cages and some not in cages. Some were awesome and some needed their faces baptised.We threw the horns at the awesome ones and baptised the faces of the ones that were not. here is photo-journalistic evidence of what I have claimed in...
The Super Secret Danger Lair of Doom and Danger...
Basically this whole thing happened where we all had fights with our respective mums and so decided “fuck this shit, this shit is whack” and eloped.The fights were ‘cos our mum’s don’t understand us and keep saying the candles in our room were a fire hazard and throwing out all the various animals skulls we were amassing. Oh, and kept telling us to get jobs. If...
Grave New World
Name a point in your life where you’ve walked through a graveyard and haven’t wanted to stop and swear at all the crosses and mutter incantations under your breath calling upon dark forces to release the poor souls incarcerated in the earth. You can’t can you? Well neither can we. And now that its the 21st century and you can’t get burnt at the stake for doing such ...
ASASB (all sheep are still bastards)
As you may remember from previous posts we have a strong suspicion that Jesus has in fact returned to earth disguised as a sheep. We have many reasons for this suspicion, all of them tenuous, all of them mildly retarded. (as retarded as claiming that you can hear his voice in your head!? lolololo atheist joke lolo) However that hasn’t stop us from donning our Baptising robes and...
Swearonautics
“In camp at Kill Devil Hills, they suffered weeks of delays caused by broken propeller shafts during engine tests. After the shafts were replaced (requiring two trips back to Dayton), Wilbur won a coin toss and made a three-second flight attempt on December 14, 1903, stalling after takeoff and causing minor damage to the Flyer. (Because December 13, 1903, was a Sunday, the brothers did ...
"Why Telling Lies to Girls is the Right Thing to...
Hypothesis - Women, known as the ‘fairer sex’, are an enemy of Satanic values and traditions through being ‘fair’, full of empathy and compassion for their fellow humans and having an incredibly low tolerance for ‘useless bullshit’. Unfortunately some of the core tenets of our particular brand of Satanism include being incredibly unfair, having no compassion...
'God Backwards' Soup
Look at the current logic of the Anti-Christ Alliance we’re living our lives by - and merely by observing, dear reader, so are you. Our logic is as follows; that which is holy must be reversed and upon being reversed shall become inexorably eviler. We have proved this logic by turning white crosses upside down, painting them black and, ‘lo, a Satanic implement is born.
Let’s go a step...
Oh i do like to be beside the suicide.
A dark day for all when the ocean itself rises up against our master, a dark day for all. we’re not exactly sure what the sea did because, as ever, we never get any memos from hell. what we are sure of is that Satan got pretty fed up with the sea’s shit (haven’t we all) and decided to paint it black. and in one of the nicest bluest parts, the gulf of mexico. He did so by...
31st Annual Bob Marley Remembrance Service & Rat...
Pictured -Artist’s impression of Bob Marley today. We gothic servants of Lucifer are not so much unlike you normal, colour wearing folk. Every year on the anniversary of Bob Marley’s death, just like you, we offer his ghost a rat’s corpse 3 minutes after midnight. We merely (bob merely) do it in a more satanic way, praying that Bob Marley remain in the VIP lounge in hell,...
Dismayedstone ; A Town of Hate
“It starts with one thing I don’t know why It doesn’t even matter how hard you try keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It’s so unreal” From the audio lecture; ‘In the End’ by the...
Fellowship of the Wrong - part 2.
“Fuck ‘gro. in those days everybody was on K. Do you really think i would have convinced Sherpa Tenzing to climb that huge assed bitch without me spiking his drink with about a gram? of course not! Fuck, when he got home to his family he didn’t even know he’d climbed Everest, he thought he’d been talking to Mormons in a well for three days! Look, if you’re ...
The Fellowship of the Wrong - part 1.
There is an old French proverb that goes ; ‘if life gives you haemorrhoids, deliberately mistake them for grapes and attempt to make wine from them.’ I think what it is trying to convey is that if god gives you a shitty situation, deliberately attempt to make it far more painful and time consuming than he ever could - thus making him look a fool. Shucks, it may as well be the slogan all...
Satans Shocktroops
[SERVING SUGGESTION - LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING WHILST READING THIS POST; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjvqY-U9gV0 IT WILL HELP] You know how it is. We’ve all been there, you’re chilling with your comrades in death when you get a call from the big man, the horned one, our Lord of Catastrophe telling you to make a mobile evil conversion squad. BAM - WE’RE ON IT BRAH. As any of...
Hate/Fan Mail
Right, so obviously we’re getting pretty big now, so big that we’ve been getting a fair amount of mail and some pretty regular themes and questions just keep cropping up. 1 - “Are you guys real satanists? I’m Christian and pretty offended by all this.” Literally, are you retarded? Look at the pictures, look at what we’re doing in them. Read one of the posts....
The Fowl Stench of Doom
- lo, and God spake unto the Devil ‘What doth thoust think of my creation, Devil?’ and the Devil did respond, ‘I don’t know, its all pretty gay, especially the chickens.’ - Corinthians 22.7 Lets get one thing straight - Satan loves it when you chastise chickens, or any animal for that matter, through the medium of derogatory puns. Nobody knows why, and lord...
An Unholy Backfired Plan
Sorry for the late nature of this post, we did have a number of evil schemes to enact and display this week but something terrible has happened, through entirely fault of our own, one of our brothers in malice is stuck on an island. and to make things worse the island isn’t even evil, its actually rather pleasant, which as you can imagine is absolute torture for him. poor creature. How...
Really stupid dogs and how to deal with them : A...
Lucifer is, on the whole, pretty chill when it comes to dogs, he has one of his own with three heads (wait a second isn’t that Greek mythology? NO. it’s not. Shut the hell up). He also knows that they’re on the whole too stupid to cause him any harm by being holy, conducting small church services and whatnot. Even the most intelligent breed of dog, the border collie, just...
ASAB (all sheep are bastards)
You may remember from a variety of hymns/stained glass windows/shit christian cartoons on channel 4 on a sunday morning that Jesus was referred to sometimes as “The Lamb of God.” Well this is argued by some Theological Academics to be because Jesus was literally a sheep. If you read the bible you will notice that at no point does it specifically say “Jesus was not a...
Feline Conversion
As we all well know, cats, and especially kittens, are enemies of Satan’s overarching plan to make the world a rubbish place to live, due to their apparent ‘cuteness’. Obviously we are immune to such feelings and just regard them as a thorn in the side of our dark intentions. The only way to stop their rampage of holy mischeif is to baptise them for the Dark Lord, which...
And so it begins
Twas the day before the anniversary of the resurrection of our nemesis, Lord Jesus of Nazareth, when we, three dark souls became aware of the malicious powers we posessed. It was as if we had gotten up a day early to beat Jesus. We did so by casting Evil spells on the county of Kent. Which everybody knows is the favourite English county of Jesus. (his favourite in Wales is powys, because its...